Channel Excess

We got satellite when we moved into our home last year. We got a movie package that includes six channels one of which is MNExcess. At most times this channel plays regular movies like "War of the Worlds" "The Island" or Million Dollar Baby", but come midnight they air a few hours of x-rated content. I have a few questions about these "films":
A) Is it a requirement that all the women in these films have breast implants?
B) Is it necessary to add more storyline to terrible acting, ridiculous plots and direction reminiscent of the great Noomboo of the Clarke Institute for Chimpanzee Film and Poker.
C) Must all men wear goatees?
D) Are the Maori style tattoos on most of the men a requisite to pass porn school?
E) Are the winged-like tattoo designs found on the backs of most woman a proof of purchase mark?
F) Are the men trained not to run away while during intercourse the female looks back at them with a look of pain, surprise, nausea, murder? I get that idea that these women are cobra snakes. While you play the music (intercourse) they will move rhythmically and not feel the need to strike out, but as soon as you stop you become very expendable.
G) Do porn stars shave their privates to make it easier to see where things are supposed to fit?
H) Do male porn stars wear earplugs to block out all the sounds? I mean these women don't shut up. They sound like racoons in the night fighting for territory.
I) Am I supposed to be aroused by these films or view them as a new category of comedy? If its the latter I congratulate those of you responsible.